sleeve

My personal favourite is Number Three for the record, that’s the funniest thing I have seen in a good while.

10. I’m Too Sexy – Right Said Fred [1991]

At the height of the collapse of the Soviet Union, UK television and radio was dominated with just one thing in summer 1991. How the hell is everybody still buying the excruciatingly awful Robin Hood endorsed tripe that is Everything I Do, I Do It For You? The biggest threat to Bryan Adams’ 16-week-long residency at the top of the charts came in the form of the obscenely muscled, tight-leather clad Fairbrass brothers. And for that, they were actually nearly forgiven for unleashing this particularly rubbish beast on us. Despite scoring a number one in 26 countries, the surprisingly chaff-free gruesome twosome spectacularly failed to dethrone the rampant Canadian, mustering a paltry number two for a couple of months.

9. The Ketchup Song – Las Ketchup [2002]

Proving once and for all the myth that foreign artists don’t necessarily need to sing in English to succeed, Las Ketchup should really be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. For this indecipherable and wholly unlistenable little ditty has brought the world together, grinding idiotically in drunken synchronicity. So special is this song that it makes The Macarena seem reasonably intellectual.
Noteworthy fact – that lyric is in fact “Aserejè ja de jè de jebe tu de jebere seibiunouva”, Not “I say hey, ha, hey, hey”. You will never win the pub quiz with that.

8. Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum) – The Cheeky Girls [2002]

Ah, the X-Factor nee Pop Idol. The annual institution when a new bunch of fresh-faced idiots get carted out in front of millions to be laughed at by the nation as they sit as home devouring chips. Now ten years old, the Transylvanian Cheeky Girl twins sparked controversy after it emerged that their own mother in fact penned this pseudo-sexual-fantasy number. Cue fake outrage from the public, who complained about this exploitation while buying over a million copies worldwide. It didn’t take long for the magic to wear off. Channel 4 voted the song the worst-ever in 2004.
Standout Lyric – “Touch my bum, this is life.”

7. Blue (Da Ba Dee) – Eiffel 65 [1999]

This utterly pointless track owes a lot to, of all people, Cher. The year before, her hideously grating Believe exploded into the top spot. For bands such as Eiffel 65, this now meant that acts who can neither write music nor sing could now use a vocoder to produce their aural assault. If they pumped this pap into the paint aisle at the local B&Q, I give you my cast iron guarantee that not only would blue paint sales plummet, but blue would actually disappear from the colour spectrum, leaving nothing but a strange grey void in its place.

6. We’re Going To Ibiza – Vengaboys [1999]

The perfect soundtrack to anybody, unencumbered by social grace or dignity, waiting in the EasyJet queue heading to one of the many Costa del Bollocks’ that scatter the Mediterranean Sea. If being stuck in a bright orange plane for three hours with a couple of hundred sombrero toting, pasty faced, knobbly kneed and tanked up revellers off to party for a fortnight isn’t your cup of tea, forget it. The only solution is pump your body full of Class A drugs and cheap sangria, in the vain hope that your body will begin to shut down and obliterate any memories of this monstrosity.

5. Barbie Girl – Aqua [1997]

In 1970, Germaine Greer released her feminist classic The Female Eunuch, as she urged women to treat themselves with rightfully deserved self-respect.

Nearly thirty years later, the message clearly hadn’t made it into popular culture. These lyrics are deliriously misogynistic, which led a large proportion of pre-pubescent girls up and down the country to believe they had to tart up to catch their man. Whether there is a link between the existence of this track and the rise of breast implants is another matter worthy of debate.

4. Birdie Song – The Tweets [1981]

Having grown up in a household in which T’Pau and Terence Trent D’Arby played in the stereo every bloody day, I have no idea how I’ve emerged to adulthood unscathed and still in love with both music and apostrophes. But if there’s one song that makes me want to hurl myself out my window to this day, it’s the Birdie Song. The thoughts of those childhood discos where we were forced to participate in this ludricrous charade actually brings a tear to my eye. Teaching so many kids this utter nonsense is surely as evil as a Hitler Youth march.

For those of you who think this is fun, try to dance to the routine without looking like a spoilt brat making ‘armpit farts’. I dare ya.

3. Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini – Brian Hyland [1960]

If you are still reading this article, I applaud you. I appreciate that to the discerning music lover, it must have been very difficult, like some form of torture. Here is a bit of light relief for you. Apparently inspired by the songwriter Paul Vance’s two-year-old daughter wearing a bikini on the beach, Itsy Bitsy… is the bizarre tale of a shy, and hopefully older, lady scared of baring all while soaking up the sun. The following year the rights were given to the Billy Wilders flick One, Two, Three and used to literally torture international corporate secrets from one of the characters. Who says the Americans don’t get irony?

Sadly, it has been reported that several hundred thousand children required adult therapy after growing up listening to Timmy Mallett murder the track on Wacaday.

2. Agadoo – Black Lace [1984]

Black Lace have been chundering out this drivel since the year that I was born. I will never remember the time before the existence of this horrific song. Dear reader, I hope that you will sympathise with my plight.
By 2010, Black Lace had achieved such brazen musical maturity that they republished the song, in their Blue Album (Banned In The UK). Lyrics have been changed to “If you hold my tool, Hold it nice and tight, You can screw it in, You can screw it in tonight.” Also contained on the record are tracks such as Supercock, Do The Condom and I’m A Wanker. If anybody thinks that giving money to these strange men is entertainment, I would advise a long period of life reassessment.

1. Mysterious Girl – Peter Andre [1995]

When Peter Andre first burst onto the television, all shimmering torso writhing in a lake, he took on the appearance of a barely homanoid gimp. “Pint-sized Pete” as he’s affectionately known (God knows why, he’s 5’9” so hardly dwarfish), then used his fame to date Jordan off the TV. Cue celebrity magazine Armageddon and the reissue of this bloody horrible song. Once bitten, twice shy, eh? I now genuinely believe that we’re all caught in some Jordan/Andre-controlled vortex, forcing us to repeatedly listen to his track over and over while reading all about her relationship nonsense in her ‘auto’-biographies.
If sub-UB40 cod-reggae is your bag, knock yourself out. I’m off to see if I can make my ears vomit back out this nonsense.